Fuck You, Bloom!

I moved to Los Angeles about 2 years ago to pursue a career in producing TV and/or Film. All and all, the transition was extremely smooth: found a great apartment in a convenient area, live next to several of my friends from home and college, found a great job to get my foot in the proverbial "door". Everything was as good as can be.

That was until IT happened...

I was finishing up on my usual Saturday routine: Wake up around 7am, scramble some eggwhites, volunteer at the children's hospital for several hours, then go sprinting around Venice Beach. (I know you are asking yourself why I don't say "jogging". Well, it's because I don't jog. I litterally sprint at full speed for miles)

As I finished up mile 10 of my SPRINT, I stopped at the water fountain, mind you I wasn't thirsty in the least, but I just figured I might need some water. A couple tweens started shouting and running towards me yelling "Orlando! Oh my god Orlando!"

At first, I thought I must have been suffering from heat exhaustion (as it was nearly 95 degrees out and I had just SPRINTED 10 miles).

I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Why were they calling me "Orlando"? So, I just kind of stood there as the two tweens bombarded me with their camera phones taking pictures of me.

It took a few moments and a couple peculiar comments like "I'm so jealous of Kiera" and "You are our favorite! You are way hotter than Depp!" for me to finally put the pieces together...

Fuck! These bitches think I'm Orlando Bloom!

Well, since this was the FIRST time it had happened I played along, not wanting to disappoint them. I signed their shirts, took their pictures, banged one of them...you know, whatever.

But a weird thing happened; from that moment on I kept on being mistaken for god-damn Orlando fucking Bloom.

So set the record straight - I AM NOT ORLANDO BLOOM!

Do I look like Orland? No. No, I certainly do not look EXACTLY like him.














Do I carry around a fucking sword and bow-and-arrow every where I go? Not anymore I don't! (Again, thanks Orlando.)


A lot of people have been wondering why I don't go out as much as I used to, why I don't like to party anymore. Well, this is why! Every time I go to a club women and MEN keep approaching me asking, "Can I buy you a drink, Orlando?", "Want to get out of here and do some coke and anal?" (again, this is from both men and women). And sure, at the beginning, I took them ALL up on their offers. But FRANKly, it got extremely old, FAST.

I just want to be able to go out and not get molested by hundreds of people.

The BIG BROTHER program won't even let me take out my little brother ISAAC anymore. They say it isn't healthy for him to be exposed to such crazy-zealous fans and paparazzi.

So I beg you. Please stop thinking I'm Orlando Bloom.

I'm not a shitty actor and I also don't have an accent. Thanks.

xoxo

Fween

Thank You Shattis

This comes straight to you from me who got this from Scottie Hattis. Thanks, Scott.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95qZtwJNjxk

The T-Mac Vein

I've wanted this vein for LIKE 5 years now. Don't get me wrong, I have some good looking veins poppin' out when I lift. But for some reason I can never achieve the T-MAC.

If it's still UNCLEAR from the image above, the T-Mac is the vein bulging out of the front of his shoulder. At it's peak, it will CONTINUE all the way down to the bicep.

Delirious

I still remember where I was the first time I watched Eddie Murphy's Delirious. I was probably 9 years old and at my Aunt Pearl's house for some family function. It was me and two of my older cousins, Striggs and Josh, watching in Josh's room upstairs.

This is where I found my sense of humor. So, I guess you can say in a way THIS IS WHERE I FOUND MYSELF!!!!

Delirious is like the GODFATHER of Standup Performances. Every time I watch it (at least twice a year) I find something new to appreciate.

Murphy is only 21 years old, that is just baffling. This is 100 times more impressive than Lebron dominating the NBA at the same age. For one, even though Lebron was dominating at 21, the difference to which Lebron performed compared to other great young NBA players (Dwight Howard, Garnett, Bryant, Wade, Melo) at 21 is not even close to Murphy at 21 compared to other comics. Just think if Murphy kept performing.

And I keep doing DELIRIOUS injustice by calling it standup. It was really a fucking SHOWCASE a beautiful SPECTACLE, a MASTERPIECE, what the pretentious would call a TOUR DE FORCE. Murphy doesn't just deliver set-up punchline jokes. He does impressions, he dances, he sings, he improvises, he interacts with the audience, he does it all. There is really nothing else to ever come out like DEILIRIOUS.

John Leguizamo 's special SEXAHOLIC is somewhat comparable the way it showcases Leguizamo's talent, but it is more a broadway-one-man-show than standup comedy.


So please everyone. Do yourself a favor and watch it. You won't regret it.

XOXOXO
Frankiehi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7kP35jI7Go